When I’m not pissing and moaning about the state of the world, I occasionally am inspired to do something useful as I did this past evening.
Clad in the official uniform of pink button-down shirts, black pants and black shoes, my friend and I performed a necessary and valuable service to the citizens of our town by serving as officers of the Art Police. My fellow officer arrived equipped with megaphone, badges and a clip-board filled with a sufficient supply of official citations. I brought a plastic wrapped package of colored stars like the type a kindergarten teacher gives to rosy-cheeked children, a rubber stamp pad, and some plastic eye-balls like the kind used on kitschy tourist junk.
We descended upon the monthly downtown art festival of our local town prepared to encourage the good and shame the bad. Our mission: identify egregious aesthetic violations and issue appropriate citations where appropriate and commend works that genuinely enhanced the culture.
Our first stop was a gallery hosted at a local religious cathedral. The work was uninspiring, however a collection of a bank of light switches and a fire-alarm control panel in the corner caught my partners eye. The assemblage, all painted over in eggshell white, was stunning in its simplicity. It got a gold star.
On we went. Our first citation was given to the local “alternative” newspaper which calls itself “New Times” but is not new at all. We gave the two youngsters manning the booth a citation for false advertising.
We nearly had to call animal control for backup at our next stop. A plastic enclosure housed a collection of live rabbits which were being offered as “prizes” to people who could toss a little ball into a kiddie pool or some such activity.
Via his megaphone, my partner announced our entrance into another venue: a trendy little coffee shop cum art gallery. “Keep calm! Nothing to be concerned about. Art police. We’re here to investigate this establishment for aesthetic violations.” The puzzled and bemused patrons stared at us as we did a cursory tour of the premises. After interviewing the clientele we were shocked to discover that they were not offered coffee in real cups contrary to the shop’s stated policy. We cited them for promoting disposable culture. The manager was upset, refused to accept our citation, and told us to fuck off, so we cited them again for not having a sense of humor.
This went on for another three hours. In one venue (a rather nice little gallery that was not in danger of receiving a citation) I was accosted by a large young man who screamed at me, blood rushing to his face, “What gives you the right to do this? I’m an anarchist and you’re a fucking fascist!” He stormed away without ever being aware of the irony.
And in the end, that was the story of the night. The lack of any sense of irony or comprehension of what we were doing surprised. Sure, there were the old-school artists that have been hanging on down there year after year and for them, the idea of art police was an amusing and entertaining bit of commentary on the culture, and of course a lot of fun. Which was a point that was lost on quite a significant percentage of those in attendance.
We plan to be back next month. Arrests may be made next time.